A Romp Through the Periodic Table in Candy Form

Hey Know-It-All,

Glib this one by the short hairs: I like Balance Bars. They've got protein, vitamins, minerals, chocolate, and sugar, which covers all the food groups. Not being a nomadic gatherer, I tend to get behind in my rare-earth elements in the diet. Plus, they taste good.

The problem: I'm not so sure "minerals" in my diet literally mean I should be chowing down on metal grit with a chocolate bar wrapped around it. Chrome? As in, 50s tailpipe? Selenium? Of the "known carcinogen" Seleniums?

They sell 'em, so I figure they're safe. But I still feel like something's wrong.

Tell me the answer, O Question Authority.

Elemental Questioner



Dear EQ,

The Question Authority digs them Balance Bars the most as well, but mostly only raspberry chocolate fudge (except during bursts of polymorphism).

The correct way to eat a Balance Bar is to minimize the grit: chew the yummy goo and soak up the flavor and multivitamin, but when bits o' grit start to collect in the teeth, rinse 'em out.

There's just no mineral source in nature that contains particles large enough to identify as metal, so if those of us stupid enough to consume such dystopian products as Soylent Balance continue to do so, we can at least retain enough of our humanity, for fucksake, to pick out the industrial waste in powdered form that we can feel and taste.

Like today's title says, it's a romp through the periodic table in candy form, which might prove partially digestible, partially suicidal. I hedge my bets, and take comfort in the ultimate pleasure of middle age: long-term effects decline in importance every day!

The Question Authority, 47 and counting